Things I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me . . . And a Few Other People

1. trimming your own bangs almost never turns out well
2. things aren't always black and white..in fact, they are hardly ever black and white, sometimes just crap and crap
3. don't believe everything you read or hear
4. there are two sides to every story...and then there is the truth
5. always check and make sure that you cannot see your hot pink undies through your white shorts before leaving the house 
6. assuming doesn't help anyone
7. think before you speak....and act
8. sometimes the quiet ones are the ones you should be worried about
9. when you don't know what you are talking about, stop talking
10. smile at people on the street and especially the grocery store clerk, it is not their fault your day has been crap
11. procrastination is an addicting drug 
12. be happy with you, you are all you got
13. if you are not finding humor in various things throughout your day, you are doing something wrong
14. your worst day can be considered a pretty decent day to someone else
15. it is okay to say, "no"
16. own up to your mistakes
17. don't be that guy who always has to prove somebody wrong. nobody likes that guy.
18. people are allowed to have different opinions than your own. let them. it doesn't make them weird. unless they collect their toe nails....then, yeah, they are pretty weird
19. make time for what you want to do
20. sometimes what is expected of you isn't what is best for you
21. never make anyone or anything the center of your life
22. your face looks 1000 times better with a smile slapped on it
23. never take anything too seriously, especially yourself

Thanks a Lot, Patrick Swayze

I'd like to take this moment to thank all the romance novels I've ever read, all the cheesy movies I've ever watched, and all the mushy love songs I've ever heard for totally screwing with not only my perspective, but the perspectives of every hormonal teenager out there about what "the perfect man" should be like.

So, thanks a lot, Prince Charming, for being so charming.
Thanks a lot, Harrison Ford, for being such an adventurous stud as Han Solo and Indiana Jones.
Thanks a lot, Ryan Gosling, for never giving up in "The Notebook".
Thanks a lot, Goo Goo Dolls and pretty much every male Country singer alive (especially you, John Michael Montgomery), for writing the best, and sometimes the cheesiest, love songs.
Thanks a lot, Channing Tatum, for taking your shirt off.
Thanks a lot, Adam Sandler, for writing a cheesy, adorable love song to propose to Drew Barrymore in "The Wedding Singer."
Thanks a lot, The Waltons, The Brady Bunch, and Leave it to Beaver, for being the perfect families.
Thanks a lot, Atticus Finch and Andy Griffith, for being so smart and understanding.
Thanks a lot, John Krasinski, for not only being nice to look at, but also for having an awesome sense of humor.
Thanks a lot, George Strait, for being so good looking and so romantic at at age.
Thanks a lot, Nicholas Sparks, for writing the best love stories with the sweetest male characters.

And to so many others, thanks for raising my expectations of "the perfect guy" so high that no man in real life could ever reach them.

It seems like lately I’ve forgotten how to pray...

I didn't write this for attention or to be sprayed with holy water, I wrote this for me. 


God has been a staggering concept for me all my life. 
When I was younger, religion always seemed forced. 

"Do this or you'll go to Hell."

"Be this or you'll go to Hell."

God was just a distant overseer you didn't want to anger or disappoint.

I went to all the bible schools, sang all the hymns, listened to all the bible stories, and folded my hands in prayer whenever it was expected. But what did it all mean?


As I got a little older, I went from fleeing from God when my life took a direction I wasn't prepared for, to later clinging to Him when things still weren't getting any better. 
I went to all the youth groups, bought all the Christian rock CDs, listened to all the testimonies, and folded my hands in prayer whenever it was expected. And for a while, I thought I had finally got it. But so many things still bothered me: 

Catholic vs. Protestant

Is the church too strict or too laid back?

What does it really mean to be a "Christian"?

Am I just being a hypocrite? 

And the biggest bother: Where was He?

Again I found myself stepping away from God. I couldn't understand why everything had to be so complicated. I hated the labels, the judgments, the arrogance, but most of all I hated that no matter what I did or how many times I tried surrendering myself and my life, I still couldn't "feel" the presence of God that so many preached about. 

So I gave myself breathing room to figure out what I believe in, 

and now I've found my own truths:

There is a God, a Creator. Every beautiful thing in and about life is the evidence.

He loves us very much.

This love looks past our inadequacies and mistakes by forgiving us again and again.

He expects us to screw up.

He understands much more about our actions than any of us give Him credit for. 
At times, it's okay to be angry with God.

I think people take religion too seriously. I know this because everyday we go around condemning each other. God doesn't hate the people we label "the whores", "the gays", "the cheats", because He knows them, He knows the "why". We give ourselves superiority over others when we don't even know the whole story.  And guess what? He understands that, too. 


I don't pray as much as I use to. I'm not even really sure when the last time I went to church was. Some might think that's a shame, most probably don't even care, either way it's none of their business. My relationship with God has a ways to go, but I'm in no hurry, and I don't think He is either. It's good we're both pretty patient. 

I know I'm a screw-up, and I love it. I think He loves it, too. 

Wal-Mart Lingerie Adventures

There's a good chance this post is going to make some people feel uncomfortable; and by "people" I mean males. So I'm just going to apologize in advance to all my male family members, male friends, and any of you random male Russians who always appear on my "Audience" page for some reason. But I feel like there are some issues surrounding the daily female life that need to be addressed - I'll try and keep it as clean and as painless as possible.


I decided long ago that I really hate buying undergarments. And not just because the selections usually make me feel like either:

A) A Middle-Aged Woman

B) A Teenybopper

C) A Stripper.

No, what I really hate about purchasing underwear and "what not" is the looks I might get from passerby-ers. I use to be really embarrassed by it. I'd hear a person walking by and then hide whatever article of clothing I was considering as if I was simply, you know, just hanging out in the undies aisle. No big deal.
Today, I realized how ridiculous that was. EVERYONE wears underwear...Well, most people anyway....It shouldn't be a big surprise that I do too! And, I'm sorry, but it's been pretty apparent I have the equipment required for bras since 6th grade, so me buying those shouldn't be such a big deal either!
Just be happy you know that I wear underwear.


As for checking out with feminine products, no longer will I be embarrassed then either! Female cashiers already know what I'm going through. So, no problem there. As for the male population of cashiers, just be grateful you DON'T know what I'm going through. Let's leave it at that.


I'd like to thank those of you who made it through this with me and apologize again to those just barely hanging on.

"On the pathetic scale, I'd say that's about a 7."

Sometimes, I get really tired of the sound of my own voice.
On the pathetic scale, I'd say that's about a 7. 
It's not that I talk too much, but sometimes these words just leap from my mouth without warning, and I just think, "Oh Kelsey, why?" 
What was I trying to prove? That I have 0 intelligence? 
And then of course I obsess over it, even though everyone else has long forgotten it. 


Maybe it's just a teenager thing. I hear things every day from others and I really wonder if they actually think that makes them cute or cool. Um, it doesn't. But maybe they're like me and don't realize how ignorant or just plain wrong what they are saying actually is, until after they say it. Maybe they kick themselves around over it just like I do. 
Maybe they just don't care. 


It's not just what I say out loud for others to hear that bothers me, but also what I keep inside for myself. It's like that saying: if a friend talked to you the way you talk to yourself, would they still be your friend? 
For me, I don't think so. 
I know I am way too hard on myself, and not even in a motivational way to push me along. 
I'm constantly telling myself I'm not good enough. 
Not pretty enough. 
Not smart enough. 
Not kind enough. 
Not thin enough. 
Not funny enough. 
How messed up is that? The one person that could be on your side cheering for you 100% of the time is yourself, and I'm no where close to that. Why does it have to be like that? And see, now I'm hating on myself again for another thing: not confident enough.


The difference between the things I say out loud and the things I say to myself is that I genuinely worry about the impact my words may have on someone else, directly or indirectly. It really is phenomenal how one negative comment can mess up someone's day - be it for humor or not, if you actually mean it or not.
I can take the digs at myself, what if they can't?


I know I need to put a filter on what I say, think before I speak. Not only out loud, but to myself as well. At the end of the day, we're all just doing our best. Or at least, I hope so. Everyone is who they are for a reason. I am who I am for a reason. I just need to accept myself until I find that reason. 

Breaking Insecurities

So, we all have them. Moments when we second guess ourselves, who we are, what we've done. Moments when we dig at every imperfection we see about ourselves. Many call these moments "girl moments", but I think boys have them just about as often - they're just more quiet about it. 


Anyway, I was just having a girl moment. A little voice inside my head obsessing over my appearances and actions, telling me I'm fat, ugly, stupid. How could anyone ever want me? Luckily, I have awesome friends like Kendra to snap me out of it and silence that darn little voice, if only for a little while. 


But I know before long, that little voice will rear its ugly little head again with all its criticisms bearing down on me, and I know I won't be able to call on Kendra to pull me out of it every time it returns (because, she has a life). Which is why I'm writing this, not only for myself, but also for others who need to hear the truth: that they are so much better than what that dumb little voice has to say. 

• No matter what is going on in your life, no matter how much it feels like the end of the world - it's not. Fortunately, the world keeps spinning, the sun keeps setting and rising, life goes on. It may be hard, it may even change your life (it might not), but it will eventually end, and when it does - let it. Don't forget, but also don't let it consume your life to the point where you forget how to live.
• You may not have "society's" opinion of the prettiest face or the skinniest waist, but that doesn't define your beauty. Who are they to decide what's beautiful and what's not? To me, the most beautiful person in the room is the one with a smile on their face. The one who treats everyone decent, how people should be treated. 
• There is someone out there for you. You might not find him/her tomorrow, the next day, or even a year from now, but don't give up - especially if you're still in high school. You have time. It'll happen when it is suppose to. It's okay to get jealous of your others with their boyfriends/girlfriends, but don't let it weigh you down. You'll have your time. Being single isn't the end of the world, you can get by just fine -  spectacularly even - without an "in a relationship" Facebook status.
•  Don't settle for anyone who treats you any less than you deserve. And believe me, what you deserve and what you think you deserve can be two completely different things. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are. Someone who will stand by you through the hard times. Someone who can make you laugh and comfort you when you need it. Someone you can have a good conversation with. Someone you feel safe with. Someone who doesn't hurt you (physically or emotionally). Someone who doesn't put you at 2nd place. Someone who knows they're lucky to have you, and reminds you of that every day. 
• Forgiving yourself can be the hardest thing to do, but it's also the most important. People make mistakes, from there you have to move on. No matter how bad the situation may seem, at the end of the day, you're still human. Apologize where apologies are due, but after that there's not much else to be done - except to learn from it.  
• Surround yourself with people you actually like. This is probably a no-brainer, but your friends should be people you enjoy being with. People who support you, laugh with you, and comfort you when you need it. If they don't do any of these things, you'll just end up being miserable. 
• Go easy on your family. There will be fights, most petty, but you have to get past that, and realize they're all trying. You didn't choose them, and they didn't choose you, but for whatever reason, you're stuck with them. Better to get past all the pettiness and forgive than to burn the bridges that matter most. 
• In a bad situation? Make it a good one. We all have to do things we don't want to, so you can either face it head on with a positive attitude, or spend the whole time complaining and miserable. Not every situation's going to be a gem, but take what you can from it while it's there, and you'll be a better person for it. 
• "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is you-er than you!" The dead on the other hand....Just kidding. Dr. Seuss knew what he was talking about when he wrote this. You have to embrace who you are. Don't hide your true self off from the world, because that'd just be a waste of an amazing person! You're you for a reason, like having an effect on certain people. . . . hopefully a positive one . . . .And if you're afraid of being called "weird", take it from me, you're probably a lot less "weird" than you think. Besides, to the ones that matter, your weirdness won't be an issue. 

"Be confident. Too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others and wishing to be something we aren't. Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, and it is only when you accept everything you are - and aren't - that you will truly succeed." 

- Unknown

♥

Poems & Such

These are all from my old journal I had during my "poetic" stage.

You see me when I try to hide,
You hear me when I'm breaking inside.
You feel me when I can't sleep at night,
You know me when nothing is right.

Am I running too far ahead?
Are you about to say the words I dread?
I can feel myself starting to fall,
but what will I do, if it's nothing at all?

You're the last thought of the day,
You're the dream I wish would stay.
                      - 9/20/10

I don't always want to do as I'm told.
My heart is not something to be sold.
I want to scream, I want to cry,
I want everyone to know I really try.

Sometimes when I break, I laugh,
and I only look half normal in photographs.
Please don't label me "damaged goods",
just because I don't always do as I should.

What you see, isn't always what you get,
But I'm not one to forget.
                     - 10/25/10

I'm holding on to the last things I know to be real,
even when those things are gone,
the memory makes it easier to heal.

With every smile,
I am revived.
With every word,
I no longer want to run and hide.

You bring me back,
make me forget the past.
I'm hanging on to every sentence,
even though I know it won't last.

How you do it,
I'll never know.
If you have any insecurities,
they never show.

I'm terrified of these feelings,
feelings you may never realize.
I'm terrified you'll never understand,
what really goes on behind these eyes.
                         -10/26/10

I see the horizon ahead
as I put old memories to bed.
The wind is at my back,
a place to call my own is all I lack.

I am not afraid,
no longer will my dreams be betrayed.
I am finally free,
even if "free" is all I can be.

It'll probably hurt tomorrow,
and the day after that.
And maybe even the next day,
I still won't get any slack.

But the pain reminds me
of happier times.
When the world seemed so much simpler,
and the sun always shines.

I might not know it now,
but I could do much better.
Life will go on;
even though our love wasn't forever.
                        -11/4/10

The longer I hold on,
the more it'll hurt when you're gone.
But with every dream,
I fall deeper it seems.

Everything tells me I'm wrong,
but that doesn't delay me for long.
I make mistakes, I have regrets,
but that doesn't include the day we met.

Why must I torment my poor heart,
I guess I should've known from the start.
You may leave, our friendship may perish,
but for now, all I can do is cherish.
                                  -11/7/10

I've been living a fairy tale,
I've been living the sweetest dream.
I've been living a fairy tale,
things aren't always what they seem.
                                  -11/30/10

Let tears out and laughter in,
Let chaos out and tranquility in.
Let the dark out and light in.
Forget the past and your regrets,
this is where the anger ends and happiness begins.
                                  -12/19/10

Can't we just lie here forever,
love always and worry never?
Can't we just run away,
find a new life everyday?
Can't you just hold my hand,
and be a secure place for my soul to land?
                                   -12/19/10

I'm a mess.
I have too many sins to confess.
Do I even love you?
And if I do, now what do I do?
Do I just like the attention?
Or am I just addicted to the suspension?
Why can't it be simple?
As simple as popping a pimple?
I love you, you love me.
Easy.
Waiting by the phone isn't healthy,
but when surrounded by your light, I'm wealthy.
I hate myself for being like this,
killing myself for just one kiss.
I want to scream and cry,
I want to eat an ice cream carton dry.
I want to slap you in the face,
but that would be a disgrace.
Is this love?
Because that's all I can think of.
                           -12/19/10

Fill this hole
that's breaking me down.
Teach me how to love
in this crazy, lonely town.
Wash me clean of all sins and impurities,
show me how to trust again
in this uncertain world with no guarantees.
                            -1/18/11

I'm not asking you
to fix every problem.
I'm not asking to be treated like a gem.
All I want
is a hand to hold.
All I really need
is shelter from the cold.
All I hope for is a shoulder to cry on
until every tear falls,
and every fear is long gone.
                            -1/18/11

Walk a Little Straighter♥

I was going to write a lighter blog about some boys being too femi or something to that extent (maybe later), but there is something that I've been meaning to talk about for a long time now and that is alcoholism. Someone very close to me has struggled with alcoholism for most of his life. The sad part is most alcoholics don't even seem to realize that they have a problem that is hurting everyone around them, or at least they deny it, and that's the case in his life.

When I was younger, I idolized him, cried my eyes out when he would leave, and made excuses for his actions. There has never been a doubt that he loves me; and I have plenty of good memories of him, like fishing trips, archery, legit crying together when I was hurt, and him pretending to cry when I got my locks chopped off.  But after I got a little older and more observant of what was really going on, my opinion of him totally changed. For far too long, I wanted nothing to do with him. There were even times when I said I hated him. He never hurt me physically, but verbally was a different story. I felt abandoned, confused, and angry - and in many ways, I had a right to feel this way.

Junior High wasn't a great time for me, and not just because of the bad hair cuts and awkward stages, but because then it seemed like everything just escalated. I used his alcoholism and absence as an excuse for how I acted and for so much other crap in my life, and that's something I really regret. I became very depressed, to the point of going to counseling, Alateen support groups, and even taking anti-depressants for a while. None of those lasted long, probably because of my own stubbornness to keep to myself. I thought I was hiding how all of it was affecting me, but it seemed like everyone knew anyway. (1st rule to living in a small town: EVERYONE finds out about your business whether you want them to or not.) Most of the hugs, sympathetic looks, and "I'm here for you"'s drove me crazy. But support came from unusual places, and I began to appreciate people more. I learned that it was okay to let go of the "tough girl" act and cry every once in a while, that some people do sincerely care about how you're doing, and how important it is to not forget how to smile.

I hate when people label alcoholism as a disease. You don't choose to get the flu, it just happens. Alcoholism is a choice. A choice to decide that you're going to use substances to aid your hurt or make you feel better about yourself. You don't become an alcoholic because your parents were, you always have a choice to be whoever or whatever YOU want to be. And then after some time, you become addicted and that choice is no longer yours. 

I wish that I figured out sooner that his alcoholism was HIS battle, not mine, and although I couldn't just ignore it, I didn't need it to take control of my life as it did to his. It took me even longer to see that he wasn't totally to blame for the problems in our family, but rather that there were many factors contributing. I have forgiven him and myself and have gotten past a lot of those negative thoughts, and I'm glad I did. Because now, even though I'm sure he still has a problem, the geographical distance between us has - ironically - made us closer.

There's ALWAYS a Reason

So, I've been trying really hard lately not to judge people. It's something everyone does. It's just a natural human reaction. We form our own opinions about people by how they look, what they say, who they hang out with, what they do and don't do, etc. We do it whether we want to or not. It doesn't necessarily mean we're all bad people, but it's definitely something to work on.  If anything, we should at least try to not let our presumed opinions affect how we treat that person; because the bottom line is, you never know the full story, you never know their whole story: what they've been through, how have past experiences affected them, and what brought them to be who they are.

Why does that girl seem to spend hours on her hair and make-up each morning, while that one seems happy enough in sweats, no make-up, and her hair in a bun?

What makes that boy content to keep to himself, while that other one seems to feel the need to have everyone's attention on him?

Is that girl really as promiscuous as everyone says, or was she just caught up in one situation that led to hundreds of vicious rumors?

Truth is, everyone has a past filled with both good and bad experiences - it's their own personal choice as to how those experiences affect them. Not everyone you meet on the street is going to be. . . how do I put this?. . . a gem? It's best to realize that some people for whatever reason, act like they really, REALLY need a hug. In other words, they're just not the most. . . approachable. But that's their choice, and that's it. End of story. Maybe it's just better to smile and give them their space.

I realize that most people won't reciprocate this way of thinking. People who see me or meet me for the first time may decide that I'm weird, nerdy, quiet, whatever- and go from there. But I'm okay with that, they can think what they want about me. I mean, it might bother to me to an extent; but no matter what they decide about me, I'll always still be me, and that's all I really can be. People come into our lives and certain things may happen to us, all to shape us into the person we're suppose to be. You can spend the rest of your life obsessing over what you dislike about yourself, but you're the one who has to live with yourself 24/7, 365 days of the year. Might as well get yourself to the place where you're happy with whoever the person in the mirror staring back at you is.

Choices

New Year's resolutions always get me. I understand why people do them... "New year, new me!! Wheeee!" But why does it have to be a New Year's event? If you really want to change something about yourself or your life, then just do it! Right now, today! Start doing whatever you need to to get to the person you want to be, and then stick with it. You don't have to wait for the ball to drop on New Year's to make it any more special.

I wish people could be more accountable, myself especially. We all mess up, do things we may even regret. That's alright, that's human. What's not right is when we make excuses for ourselves. Why can't we just step back and say, "Okay, I know I shouldn't have done that, but now I'm going to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again." And it very well could happen again, but hey, at least you're trying.

Yes, certain events could lead you to do certain things, but bottom line is we always have a choice. A choice to say no. A choice to decide that you're not going to be that person.
A choice to be happy. 
And probably the most important: a choice to say sorry, forgive yourself for messing up, and move on.