It seems like lately I’ve forgotten how to pray...

I didn't write this for attention or to be sprayed with holy water, I wrote this for me. 


God has been a staggering concept for me all my life. 
When I was younger, religion always seemed forced. 

"Do this or you'll go to Hell."

"Be this or you'll go to Hell."

God was just a distant overseer you didn't want to anger or disappoint.

I went to all the bible schools, sang all the hymns, listened to all the bible stories, and folded my hands in prayer whenever it was expected. But what did it all mean?


As I got a little older, I went from fleeing from God when my life took a direction I wasn't prepared for, to later clinging to Him when things still weren't getting any better. 
I went to all the youth groups, bought all the Christian rock CDs, listened to all the testimonies, and folded my hands in prayer whenever it was expected. And for a while, I thought I had finally got it. But so many things still bothered me: 

Catholic vs. Protestant

Is the church too strict or too laid back?

What does it really mean to be a "Christian"?

Am I just being a hypocrite? 

And the biggest bother: Where was He?

Again I found myself stepping away from God. I couldn't understand why everything had to be so complicated. I hated the labels, the judgments, the arrogance, but most of all I hated that no matter what I did or how many times I tried surrendering myself and my life, I still couldn't "feel" the presence of God that so many preached about. 

So I gave myself breathing room to figure out what I believe in, 

and now I've found my own truths:

There is a God, a Creator. Every beautiful thing in and about life is the evidence.

He loves us very much.

This love looks past our inadequacies and mistakes by forgiving us again and again.

He expects us to screw up.

He understands much more about our actions than any of us give Him credit for. 
At times, it's okay to be angry with God.

I think people take religion too seriously. I know this because everyday we go around condemning each other. God doesn't hate the people we label "the whores", "the gays", "the cheats", because He knows them, He knows the "why". We give ourselves superiority over others when we don't even know the whole story.  And guess what? He understands that, too. 


I don't pray as much as I use to. I'm not even really sure when the last time I went to church was. Some might think that's a shame, most probably don't even care, either way it's none of their business. My relationship with God has a ways to go, but I'm in no hurry, and I don't think He is either. It's good we're both pretty patient. 

I know I'm a screw-up, and I love it. I think He loves it, too.