Walk a Little Straighter♥

I was going to write a lighter blog about some boys being too femi or something to that extent (maybe later), but there is something that I've been meaning to talk about for a long time now and that is alcoholism. Someone very close to me has struggled with alcoholism for most of his life. The sad part is most alcoholics don't even seem to realize that they have a problem that is hurting everyone around them, or at least they deny it, and that's the case in his life.

When I was younger, I idolized him, cried my eyes out when he would leave, and made excuses for his actions. There has never been a doubt that he loves me; and I have plenty of good memories of him, like fishing trips, archery, legit crying together when I was hurt, and him pretending to cry when I got my locks chopped off.  But after I got a little older and more observant of what was really going on, my opinion of him totally changed. For far too long, I wanted nothing to do with him. There were even times when I said I hated him. He never hurt me physically, but verbally was a different story. I felt abandoned, confused, and angry - and in many ways, I had a right to feel this way.

Junior High wasn't a great time for me, and not just because of the bad hair cuts and awkward stages, but because then it seemed like everything just escalated. I used his alcoholism and absence as an excuse for how I acted and for so much other crap in my life, and that's something I really regret. I became very depressed, to the point of going to counseling, Alateen support groups, and even taking anti-depressants for a while. None of those lasted long, probably because of my own stubbornness to keep to myself. I thought I was hiding how all of it was affecting me, but it seemed like everyone knew anyway. (1st rule to living in a small town: EVERYONE finds out about your business whether you want them to or not.) Most of the hugs, sympathetic looks, and "I'm here for you"'s drove me crazy. But support came from unusual places, and I began to appreciate people more. I learned that it was okay to let go of the "tough girl" act and cry every once in a while, that some people do sincerely care about how you're doing, and how important it is to not forget how to smile.

I hate when people label alcoholism as a disease. You don't choose to get the flu, it just happens. Alcoholism is a choice. A choice to decide that you're going to use substances to aid your hurt or make you feel better about yourself. You don't become an alcoholic because your parents were, you always have a choice to be whoever or whatever YOU want to be. And then after some time, you become addicted and that choice is no longer yours. 

I wish that I figured out sooner that his alcoholism was HIS battle, not mine, and although I couldn't just ignore it, I didn't need it to take control of my life as it did to his. It took me even longer to see that he wasn't totally to blame for the problems in our family, but rather that there were many factors contributing. I have forgiven him and myself and have gotten past a lot of those negative thoughts, and I'm glad I did. Because now, even though I'm sure he still has a problem, the geographical distance between us has - ironically - made us closer.

There's ALWAYS a Reason

So, I've been trying really hard lately not to judge people. It's something everyone does. It's just a natural human reaction. We form our own opinions about people by how they look, what they say, who they hang out with, what they do and don't do, etc. We do it whether we want to or not. It doesn't necessarily mean we're all bad people, but it's definitely something to work on.  If anything, we should at least try to not let our presumed opinions affect how we treat that person; because the bottom line is, you never know the full story, you never know their whole story: what they've been through, how have past experiences affected them, and what brought them to be who they are.

Why does that girl seem to spend hours on her hair and make-up each morning, while that one seems happy enough in sweats, no make-up, and her hair in a bun?

What makes that boy content to keep to himself, while that other one seems to feel the need to have everyone's attention on him?

Is that girl really as promiscuous as everyone says, or was she just caught up in one situation that led to hundreds of vicious rumors?

Truth is, everyone has a past filled with both good and bad experiences - it's their own personal choice as to how those experiences affect them. Not everyone you meet on the street is going to be. . . how do I put this?. . . a gem? It's best to realize that some people for whatever reason, act like they really, REALLY need a hug. In other words, they're just not the most. . . approachable. But that's their choice, and that's it. End of story. Maybe it's just better to smile and give them their space.

I realize that most people won't reciprocate this way of thinking. People who see me or meet me for the first time may decide that I'm weird, nerdy, quiet, whatever- and go from there. But I'm okay with that, they can think what they want about me. I mean, it might bother to me to an extent; but no matter what they decide about me, I'll always still be me, and that's all I really can be. People come into our lives and certain things may happen to us, all to shape us into the person we're suppose to be. You can spend the rest of your life obsessing over what you dislike about yourself, but you're the one who has to live with yourself 24/7, 365 days of the year. Might as well get yourself to the place where you're happy with whoever the person in the mirror staring back at you is.

Choices

New Year's resolutions always get me. I understand why people do them... "New year, new me!! Wheeee!" But why does it have to be a New Year's event? If you really want to change something about yourself or your life, then just do it! Right now, today! Start doing whatever you need to to get to the person you want to be, and then stick with it. You don't have to wait for the ball to drop on New Year's to make it any more special.

I wish people could be more accountable, myself especially. We all mess up, do things we may even regret. That's alright, that's human. What's not right is when we make excuses for ourselves. Why can't we just step back and say, "Okay, I know I shouldn't have done that, but now I'm going to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again." And it very well could happen again, but hey, at least you're trying.

Yes, certain events could lead you to do certain things, but bottom line is we always have a choice. A choice to say no. A choice to decide that you're not going to be that person.
A choice to be happy. 
And probably the most important: a choice to say sorry, forgive yourself for messing up, and move on.