"On the pathetic scale, I'd say that's about a 7."

Sometimes, I get really tired of the sound of my own voice.
On the pathetic scale, I'd say that's about a 7. 
It's not that I talk too much, but sometimes these words just leap from my mouth without warning, and I just think, "Oh Kelsey, why?" 
What was I trying to prove? That I have 0 intelligence? 
And then of course I obsess over it, even though everyone else has long forgotten it. 


Maybe it's just a teenager thing. I hear things every day from others and I really wonder if they actually think that makes them cute or cool. Um, it doesn't. But maybe they're like me and don't realize how ignorant or just plain wrong what they are saying actually is, until after they say it. Maybe they kick themselves around over it just like I do. 
Maybe they just don't care. 


It's not just what I say out loud for others to hear that bothers me, but also what I keep inside for myself. It's like that saying: if a friend talked to you the way you talk to yourself, would they still be your friend? 
For me, I don't think so. 
I know I am way too hard on myself, and not even in a motivational way to push me along. 
I'm constantly telling myself I'm not good enough. 
Not pretty enough. 
Not smart enough. 
Not kind enough. 
Not thin enough. 
Not funny enough. 
How messed up is that? The one person that could be on your side cheering for you 100% of the time is yourself, and I'm no where close to that. Why does it have to be like that? And see, now I'm hating on myself again for another thing: not confident enough.


The difference between the things I say out loud and the things I say to myself is that I genuinely worry about the impact my words may have on someone else, directly or indirectly. It really is phenomenal how one negative comment can mess up someone's day - be it for humor or not, if you actually mean it or not.
I can take the digs at myself, what if they can't?


I know I need to put a filter on what I say, think before I speak. Not only out loud, but to myself as well. At the end of the day, we're all just doing our best. Or at least, I hope so. Everyone is who they are for a reason. I am who I am for a reason. I just need to accept myself until I find that reason.